My name is Jennifer and I am in my thirties. I am married to a wonderful man and we have two beautiful children. Right from my early teenage years, I recall dreaming about my marital home and vowing that I would always be there for my husband and children but I have found out that it takes more than good intentions to have a healthy marriage and home.
My parents divorced when I was a toddler so I never knew my father. My mother was a diplomat and unfortunately she spent a lot of time outside the country. Throughout my childhood, she was stationed in different countries all over the world and as a result, her relations raised my siblings and I. We spent our holidays with my mother but even when we were with her, we hardly saw her because she was always on the move. I grew to despise her and her job.
Though our uncles and aunties raised us, they did not love us. They gave us a roof over our heads, fed us and made sure that we went to school but they did not really care for us and so my siblings and I kept to ourselves. We grew very close and watched out for each other. When I was six years old, my uncle stated abusing me sexually. He would call me into his room and then touch my private parts as well as make me touch his. Even as a child, I knew that this was wrong but he was bigger and stronger than me and there was nothing I could do to stop him. He forced me to do a lot of things that were unnatural and very wrong and threatened that if I told anybody, he would kill my siblings. This abuse lasted till I was in my late teens when my mother finally returned to Nigeria. Because I had no real relationship with my mother, I couldn’t tell her what had happened so I kept everything to myself but I became withdrawn, quiet and quite moody and could only relate well with my siblings.
The major reason why I could not confide in my mother was because I felt that she hated me. I never lived with my father and do not know him till date but I have been told by people who knew him that I look like him and I think this is what made my mother very harsh and unloving towards me. On various occasions she would physically abuse me just because I reminded her of my father and this led to me totally hating the father that I did not even know. If I told my mother about any weakness I had, she would use it against me. She constantly told me I was ugly, shapeless, wicked and an ingrate like my father and this left me very bitter and ashamed of myself. Though she was also cruel to my siblings, I believe that she was worse to me.
She was the mummy of the world but not ours and we grew up watching her do nice and wonderful things for other people’s children while totally neglecting us. She cared more about keeping up appearances than developing relationships with us.
I grew up with a low self-esteem. I had no self-confidence and no friends; the only people who made me feel important were my older brother and sister. They were my confidantes and I did everything to make them happy. I grew up with a serious craving for love and acceptance and this made me a very needy person. My sister in particular, became like a god to me. I remember that when I was in the university, my sister was already married and at one time when she was having difficulties coping with running a home and her job; I dropped out of school for a year to help her. She did not like this but she had no choice in the matter; as far as I was concerned, I was just loving her!
When I met my husband in my final year at the university, I clung to him because of my need for love. I was so insecure and grateful that someone could actually want me. I agreed to marry him thinking that marriage would fill the hole in me but I found that it did not. My insecurity caused a lot of problems for us, as I could not accept his love. I read meanings into everything he said and I was very impatient with him. The fact that men were a form of authority was unacceptable to me because of my experience with my uncle so I became very independent in my matrimonial home and I just could not take any form of advice or correction from my husband. As can be expected, we also did not have good conjugal relations.
I hated sex because it reminded me of the sexual abuse I had experienced as a child and so I wasn’t free with my husband. I just tolerated his advances and after a while he was put off by my attitude. To make matters worse, the few times we made love it seemed to result in pregnancy and I hated it even more. I was not prepared emotionally to deal with pregnancy but sometime after the birth of my first child, I decided to shower all my affection on my children. I eventually had two children and I desperately clung to them for dear life. I was very possessive of them and could not let them out of my sight while I ignored my husband; at a point, I had no form of relationship whatsoever with my husband.
My attitude however began to affect my children negatively. I was overly protective of them and they were not confident of themselves. They did not know how to relate to other children and adults and so they were withdrawn and quiet in public. People could not express affection to them because of their attitudes and I began to blame my children for this; I started shouting on them and using harsh words on them in the attempt to make them sociable and before long, I realized that I had become like my own mother. My children were scared of me and my marriage was also falling apart right before my eyes. I knew that if I didn’t do something fast I was going to lose it all and so I ran to God. It took two years of praying, going for counseling, studying about rejection, self-esteem, motherhood and most importantly forgiveness.
The first step I took after praying was to forgive my mother. My pastor told me that I had to let her go in order for me to move forward and when I obeyed, my life turned around. Today my mother and I have a good relationship. God also healed my heart and consequently, my marriage became beautiful. My sexual drive has been restored and I owe all this to the love I found in God through His Son Jesus Christ and the study of His word. I have been given another lease of life and I am living it to the fullest.
Every parent puts a bit of themselves in their children. This is not always intentional but the first mentors children have are their parents and they tend to imbibe and do things the way that their parents do, irrespective of what their parents might say to the contrary.
For example, many children who were raised in polygamous homes and who went through the trauma and evil that are usually part of such homes, usually vow to themselves that they would not fall into the same condition as their parents but in their adults years, they “suddenly” find themselves married to several wives or having being married to more than husband over a period of years. The same goes for children who were raised in families that exhibited infidelity, drunkenness, physical and emotional abuse etc.
Like Jennifer found out, it is not about having good intentions or making resolutions, it takes God to break free of those vicious cycles. If not for God, Jennifer might have ended up divorced like her mother and she would also have lost the love of her children.
It is important to note that Jennifer says that her marriage experienced a turnaround after God healed her heart. I always tell people that before they marry, they should focus more on “being” the right person rather than on “finding” the right person. For more information on this, please get my book “How To Choose A Life Partner, 165 Questions To Ask” (Call 08023847329 for enquiries on how to get the book).
Your spouse does not have the ability to make you whole neither can his/her love wash away your weaknesses. You have got to deal with all your negative emotions before marriage and for this you must have a relationship with God; anything else would be a temporary solution to a permanent issue. Nobody can heal and restore wholeness like God can and that is why I ask you to please give your life to Christ by saying this prayer: Dear heavenly Father, I come to you today and ask you to forgive my sins. I believe in my heart that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. I believe that he was raised from the dead for my justification and I confess Him now as my Lord and Saviour. Thank you for saving me. Amen.
As parents, when we figure out their children’s weak points, we should concentrate on encouraging them in that area; we should accept their strengths and weaknesses and encourage each child in a way that focuses on his/her strengths.
Our words to our children should “always be with grace, seasoned with salt (Colossians 4: 6)”; don’t batter them with your words. When they are wrong, correct them in love and help them to see the consequence of the decisions they have made.
Everyday, tell your children that you love and appreciate them. When you are not at home or around them, endeavour to know how the children are doing. Let your children know that they can always talk to you.
IF THIS ARTICLE TOUCHED YOUR HEART, YOU MIGHT WANT TO TALK TO ME ABOUT YOUR CHALLENGES OR MAKE FURTHER ENQUIRIES ABOUT MY BOOK AND TEACHING TAPES”.
Please contact The Fountain of Life Church on 01-4968646-7 or 08023847329. E-mail: pastorbimbo@tfolc.org You may also visit our website at www.tfolc.org |
